I had been thinking about Valentines Day, and of something that I wished to post to this blog. My thoughts went to my children, to give them a little gift. I thought a nice gift would be their astrological chart, a detailed one, but my thoughts turned to wishing to share in words a little of my feelings. I still wish to give them their charts, but maybe not quite yet:)
For a bit now, I have been writing of my feelings in a little document, and even posted it here once, but when I re-read it I felt something not right, it felt like I was analazing or defending maybe their upbringing, and the feeling I wished to share was not in this, and so I took it off, and have been reflecting of this on and off since. I am glad though I did write out these things, in going back over them I was able to see what it was I wanted to share.
The only word I can think of at the moment to explain what I felt is a type of intuition, A deep knowing that I carried a baby minutes after the particular night I spent with their father. The feeling that night felt like a connection or shift so deep inside and I just knew in my heart of hearts a baby was conceived.
I did not really think more of this, but what I did feel was this very strong connection to them (by them I mean I ended up having two) and I remember thinking right after they were born, ‘alright, I wish them returned into me now’.:)
There were times during their childhood that I felt I was a brand new mother, in more ways than one, that I had something to learn from them, and that they were new souls, in this same way, and that they had something to learn from me. I cared for them by feeling, and I never really questioned this way in that I did not find myself questioning and looking up things on the proper way of bringing them up, I think I only questioned what type of foods they were supposed to eat and when.
There were times though through their childhood, when I felt there were things, little soulful things that I was supposed to teach them. The strong feeling I had was that they came to me for a reason, or I to them for a reason, and my head would spin sometimes when wondering what was I supposed to show them.
I began to fear, as they got older, and grew more independent of me, that I had not yet given to them what it was I felt I was supposed to. I was starting to fear, that I gave them only my fears. My Judgements.
It has only been the last few years that I have felt this fear lessen. Maybe it was in seeing how they do on their own, where my fear was lessened, not with how they do with money, or homework or any of these things, but the questions that arise in them now, the ones that they come to me with now, the ones I see when I listen with my heart to them. What I see this way, is what is within their own hearts.
I realized one day, when I was thinking, did I give them my fears? that yes, I probably did, but what I realized as well was that even though I did, I did not do so consciously, the fears that might have come to them through me, were ones I felt in my heart at the time.
But I am more conscious now, of the fears that are my own, and my ability to respond to my sons has now changed. I can listen to them
with my heart, when I take away my feelings, while I listen to theirs. What is more conscious now is the need to listen to their hearts and respond to them from my own.
And this is the attachment I feel I have let go of. This urgency, this fear that I was meant to teach them something but had not. It really is not just one thing, but all things they feel through me and me through them.
The only thing changed now is that the way I am with them is more concious now, I can see different things in how I react and when this is so, my response ability to them changes as well.
I place this picture here as well. It was one my mother really loved, I saw only my closed eyes in it, but when she told me how much she loved it, I saw the love in it too. I realized when I came across it again how much the sketch of October reminds me of it.